Whatever you wish to call it... it is a God send.
I cherish all those who have crossed my path. Even those who have crossed me. Back stabbed me. Driven me to the edge and driven me to heart ache.
Each person has shared a part of their soul, their being and their essence. Sharing is caring... however twisted that version may be.
Retrospect brings a certain healing for me. Sometimes, it takes days. Sometimes, it takes years. Sometimes, that healing is so covered in band-aids and old bruises and pain that I do not even recognize it has healed- if even just a little bit.
I am, basically, a happy person. But, alas, never believe that someone's smile is their FEELING. That smile? It is SHOWMANSHIP, taught by my Mama the dance teacher and ultimate actress. "Never let them see they got you down".
My greatest problem with this theory is that I am also a CRIER. Not a few genteel tears cascading romantically down my cheek kinda crier. Nope. Ugly, red-eyed, snot blowing, gut sob CRIER here. I cry when I am really happy. Really sad. Really angry. Really confused. Do you sense a theme here?
In the moment, this trait gets in the way of my ability to express my true emotion. It is disabling.
So. God Bless the opportunity to make Amen-Ds. For me, that is often via written word. I love me some letter writing; email sending; facebook messaging. Partly, because I function best if not face to face when apologizing or venting or explaining. Mostly, because I need the chance to let my words dance. That writing is like choreography. I can choose my dancers; change the punctuation and flow of the tune; choose abrupt percussive words or lacey loose language to captivate and titillate. I am, ultimately, in control.
If you are reading this, and have been on the receiving end of my attempt to make Amen-Ds, you most likely know me well enough to understand my tears. To accept or decline my attempt at a makeup or a second, third or fourth chance. You know that this blog post, too, is directed at You. At all of You... who choose to move forward in this crazy world as a part of me.
Amen-D.
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