Death as Opportunity?

As part of my first-ever-true-attempt at end of year cleansing, I did an online tarot card reading.
My opportunity for 2016? Death.

Death is the card I drew.  As an OPPORTUNITY.  Grasp that?  I couldn't.  At first.  But then, I paused.  I calculated.  I looked inward.

Death may not be literal... as in... I am dead.  Death could be the death of a past anger or harm done. Death of a bad idea.  Death of a sadness, a grievance, death of a dead end road.
In that spirit, I say, rest in peace.

Next card?  Courage.  Courage to let go of the past.  Let the dead rest.  Have courage to embrace the new.  Hey, why not.  I have courage.  I've always had courage.  Had to... because I do not believe that courage is a choice.  Courage is cast upon us in times of angst and illness and pressure and pain.  Then, we find courage.  If we don't, then something far worse will find us.  It will strangle us.  It will hold us in its death grasp as we struggle against "it".  So, sure.  There's the courage thing.  That's the challenge.

The resolution?  Cleansing.  Is there a greater cleansing than death?  That final ending that is surely a new beginning?

I am not sure how I, someone so led by The Spiritual, has never checked out this "tarot card thing"... this turning of cards to spell out the future.

Knowing these three cards have been dealt me, will I choose to let these words and deeds open the new year for me?  Or will the cards choose for me?  Can't say I'm sure how this all works.  BUT, I know how I work.  Whatever 2016 offers, I will face it.  I will find courage.  I will be cleansed of the harshness that 2015 brought.  The bitter taste that lingers in my mouth will be washed away.  There will be a lightness in my step, a brightness to my smile.

I am finding a true catharsis in the route of cleansing I have chosen.  I am ready for the death of the person who was held under water in 2015.  The one who held her breath and gasped for air.  I am ready to fill my lungs with fresh, clean air and open my arms to new possibilities.

Opportunities are right at my fingertips.  Close your eyes.  Reach out.  Let butterfly wings brush the tips of your fingers. They will carry your dreams all the way to Heaven, my friends.

The Jungle Gym

This meme on social media this morning brought elementary school rushing back to me in one flat moment.  I was the playground chicken.  The girl who always wore dresses and skirts and refused to play kick ball.  I was the kid with the book under a tree or sitting on a barely rocking swing while others pumped legs with skill and fervor and flew high into the sky.  I imagined my toes touching the breathy branches of a tree like my friends... but, only imagined.

We had two jungle gyms.  One, much like the photo in this post.  The other was a ladder with a fireman-like pole to slide down once you reached the top.  My friends would flit to to the top and slide down over and over and over again.  I would watch.  I didn't even WANT to do it.  I did, however, believe I HAD to do it.  

It is a fuzzy blur now.  Did someone dare me?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Did I get a hankering to try to climb up there?  I find that impossible to believe.  For whatever reason, one spring day, not far from summer vacation, I decided to Climb To The Top.  Climb I did.  I got to the top.  I gingerly made my way to the pole and... froze.

This girl was not going to take that step and slide down that pole.  Nope.  Not happening.  Soon, a small group surrounded the pole.  Kids I barely knew were calling for me to come down.  They became one blur and one foggy sound as I clung to the steel pole and my teeth shivered.

Someone got the recess aide.  "Come down", she prodded sweetly.  I shook my head, "no".  "Come down", she insisted with less sweetness.  No.  No. Never.

After what seemed an eternity, out came the school janitor with an extension ladder.  This man's name is lost to me, but his demeanor remains in my heart to this day.  He was a wonderful man who loved children.  He was so good to me, even as I clung to the pole and shook my head adamantly at his soft command to reach for him. I was not taking that step.  I began to think of my life consisting of this.  This playground.  This jungle gym.  What would happen when I had to pee?  I was getting hungry.  Would I miss lunch?  Still, I grasped the silver steel with a 7 -year old's death grip and refused to budge.  I remember that the Principal, Mr. Marcott, ended up outside.  I know he stood below me and spoke to me.

I do not remember getting down.  I do not know who talked me down or when I took that big step.  I wish I did.   I wish I could clearly recall the importance of that moment.  I do not remember the victory of achievement.  I only remember the fear of letting go.  The belief I would fall.  The deep seeded gut wrenching belief that No One Would Ever Catch Me.

I returned to that playground one summer of my collegiate life.  The jungle gym looked so small and dauntless.  I placed my hands on the top rung with my feet safely on the ground.  I thought about climbing up and jumping and sliding down the pole to safety, but decided against it.  After all, I was alone.  Who would catch me if I fell?

In many ways, I am still that seven year old girl.  The one who prefers her feet on the ground and her nose in a book.  The one who wishes for small adventures and safe landings.  The one who declines jumping into things because she fears that no one will catch her if she falls.  I still wonder, Who Will Catch Me If I Fall?

Only Words

I have chosen My Word for 2015.
Done.  My word is done.
2015 brought me great joy.  My daughter's high school graduation and 18th birthday were major high points.  Celebrating my 30th college reunion and reconnecting with true friends was magnificent.  I have found outlets for creativity, I have de-cluttered my personal space and I have grown in many ways; both big and small.
Done.  I am, however, done with 2015.
I am done with small minded gossip and hurtful social media.  I am done with adults who resort to name calling and think that it is OKAY to do so.  I am done with those who think that friendship is a small town cult where you are allowed to bash someone repeatedly and find it impossible to Let It Go.
This is it.  My official letting go.  I am in a professional position where I must make a stand to do what I feel is best for those around me.  Agree or not.  It is simply my position.  Follow it or not. There are always open doors.  But... this door... the one looking back on 2015?  Closed.

I am pondering words for 2016.  Words have always been my strong hold.  Written words give me reference and peace.  They lend me comfort when spoken words and harmful words of others bring me pain.  I am carefully choosing my words for this new year.  Words like Forward and Dauntless... Focused and Promising.

I am beyond thankful for those who surround me with love and friendship.  I have a tremendous family, and a passion that is my business.  I am able to pay my bills.  I always find a way to make a day "okay"... and, even this day is okay.  This day when social media threatened my personal feelings and beliefs- even this day is okay.

I would like to shun "okay".  I would like to be dauntless and rush forward with focus into a promising new year.  So, ya, I am done with you, 2015. And,  I am okay with that.