Celebrations and Salutations

Graduation season always hits my heart and knocks my senses sideways.  I took it hard when it was my own rite of passage, I have struggled and embraced all that it has held for my friends, my relatives, my students... and now, for my only daughter.

I screen shot large portions of life in my head. Snap memories into the puzzle of my life like I am a jigsaw Queen; relive rolling video in my brain as I fall to sleep at night; wake early and look at the day ahead with trepidation mixed with elation.

I thought I would be a bigger mess.  I thought I would walk around in a river of tears every day.  I expected sobs at dance recital and gulps of air like some washed ashore fish as I witnessed "lasts"... last concert, last this, last that.

Tears.  I have them.  Somewhat silent, slippery little devils, who roll down my waiting cheeks and cause me to wipe with backside of hands as secretly as possible.  Sniffles.  Blame that on allergies.
But... full on tsunami cry?  Not yet.

This is a celebration, folks.  This amazing human whom I created has become SOMEONE.  I have always known she is special... as every mother knows every child is... but in this time, in this moment, she is SOMEONE.  Someone who has achieved so many goals throughout her first twelve years of school... academically, musically, socially, physically, emotionally.  Someone who has made plans for an amazing future and has taken solid steps to see those plans through.  Someone whom I am immensely, and justifiably, proud of.

It is a month of salutations.  Congratulations.  Farewells.  SeeYaLaters.  Hugs that linger longer.  Foot steps that pause as backward glances are made before plunging forward.  Yesterdays growing foggy as today beams and tomorrow beckons.  Shake hands with confidence, smile broader, laugh when you can.  This is the way this life goes.  It just goes.  On and on; somehow... everyday closer to the salutation--- Good bye.

Forgive my sentimentality.  I am just another mom watching another child walk across the stage which represents life.  I am just another empty nester choosing bedding for college dorm room and counting pennies to pay tuition.  I am just another mom laying in bed at night, silent tears rolling down cheeks, salty rivers onto pillowcase. 

Yes, I am celebrating.  Mostly.  But, sometimes, the celebration pauses and reality hits.  Forgive me for praying... Forget Me Not.

Standing up or Backing down?

It is something I have struggled with all my life.  Daily.
Standing up... or backing down?
If I stand up for my beliefs, if I state an honest opinion, inevitably, I meet with someone else's beliefs.
If they choose to state them, I am faced with conflict.
I despise conflict.
I have been known to cross three states to avoid it.
No, really.
Within the need to avoid conflict, lies another of my qualities with duel attributes.
I can always see some aspects of truth in someone else's beliefs.
Wrapped in that self attribute is the fact that others see my ability to accept degrees of their position as me Backing Down.
This, quite often, leads to me running away.  From the person; the discussion; the argument.
I am certain there is a complete thesis available on my disorder in the halls of literary and academic homes.
This would not help me.
Why?  Because I would be able to see and understand all sides of the arguments held therein.
Go ahead, have a giggle at my expense.  Really, it's okay.  I understand the comedy of errors here.
All of my life, I have avoided argument and conflict and, more often than not, have chosen to not state my opinion and have held it all in until... Boom.  I explode.
Today, I am filled with opinions.... and emotions.  Rage and anger and pent up disbelief at how the small and extremely large injustices go unanswered, unaddressed, unstopped and undone.
We have come to live in a world where the gray is so massive that the black and white-- the right and wrong-- cannot be seen.
Everyone has a right... to their opinion, to their lifestyle, to do as they wish.
And MY OPINION STATED HERE is that I agree... unless their opinion is so hurtful it causes another person pain.  Unless their lifestyle involves impinging on the rights of others.  Until their lifestyle means that others may not enjoy life.
And, therein lies the rub.  The conflict that I avoid.  That I despise.
Let me say this.  I have always been aware of my personality trait.  I did not become an attorney (once high on my list of possible careers), because I knew that this distinct part of ME would not allow me to do that job to the best of my ability and to serve others best.
I fear that those now in authority may also suffer from my trait.... but have chosen to plow in to politics and positions where being decisive and sometimes NOT accepting of others is a necessity.
I believe they need opinions.  Strong ones.  They need to stick to those opinions.  Listen to others, yes.  Bend to them? No.
So... I've gone and done it.  Stated my opinion at the risk of hearing yours.  Here is another thing I know about myself, though... once I put it in writing, my opinion is strong and unyielding.  I know beyond doubt this is how I feel.  It is my opinion that some people need to have an opinion.
There.  That's done.